re: 'not"weakness" but rather "desperation.", if you go down a couple in this thread to my reply to Rich 'maybe you can explain, then', it was in my 'confidence' that i actually came to believe, having looked for/found nothing during the one desperate time of my life. i have no answers on that one, at least for now :) or maybe it was a time of insight/wisdom that allowed me to realize that no matter what i'm in control of/confident about, there's more to life THAN that. hmmm.
re: 'the fear of getting sucked in/becoming everything fought against.' i think i addressed this one elsewhere, too. that is a common fear, how can one reconcile an about face? would one then be obliged to own up to being wrong about EVERYTHING they've learned/thought they knew? it's an interesting coincidence i noticed just an hour ago something about plants which may serve as an analogy here, if i may: i have a number of plants on a three-shelved stand with a grow light, near a big window. in the darker days of winter, what growth occurs seems to take them one way and another in their natural search for light, any light. 'crooked' stems, stunted growth. come the spring, and more light, and being positioned to receive in best way, their growth will be more ideally straight, strong, vibrant. what crooked growth occurred earlier wasn't 'wrong', it was the 'best' available at the time. but a new time will arrive, and new opportunity to 'be all they can be' (ew, sorry about that one). when it comes to humans, it is up to each one to decide which parts of their past are best to keep, best to discard and move on. a personal discernment of what to abandon as being 'not an option'. There is much of my past i might do differently now, but i cannot change it; i CAN choose not to repeat the same patterns, knowing what better ways are options and more appealing choices.
I struggled against what you were talking about, too, and i must humbly say, well, here i am, but i have no regrets because i see where those i respect a lot gain their strength and inspiration. don't get me wrong, there are some believers i know, who are very close to me, that i just CAN'T figure out why they are of a certain mindset under the circumstances, you can almost see tangible pitfalls that they seem blind to. but i guess that's human nature, believers or not. i certainly didn't wanna become an 'average' type, but i don't think believing obliges a person to cease to be an individual. to the contrary, i think they are in better empowerment to fully realize what their passions and talents are designed for and best used. while i thought i was at my prime before being a believer, i think it makes more of a widespread difference than just serving my own little world and circle. maybe i'm wrong. anyone who thinks believing suddenly makes them right about ALL things, or their beliefs the ONLY beliefs/way of manifesting their beliefs is off a bit. maybe what it boils down to is, formerly, i thought i was complete in and of myself. but in retrospect i sabotaged myself and imprisoned myself in a bit of a vacuum, denying all the existence there was. in the past, i had the cat by the tail - now i see i have more than just the tail, i guess! haha i better stop before i really just veer RIGHT over the edge as far removed as your comment as one can be! :) if i might, though, please allow me to assure you there may be a period of 'wow! cool!' that may be a little unsettling, but only insofar as like when you move from a tent to a mansion, discovering choices of what to keep and what not to. but it isn't at all unpleasant, just different. reminds me of when i went to the UK and learned to drive on the left; it was an exciting change in seeing other things i wouldn't otherwise if driving on the right...
SHUTTING UP NOW! WATCH ME! HERE I GO! haha :)