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Posted by Murat Bilginer on March 22, 2003 07:38:06 UTC

thats some interesting and heavy stuff.

ive been unemployed for a few months now, purposely as ive been trying to purify my motivations and trying to get a grip on those "ideas" that have been nagging me forever.

i figured id try some isolation and meditation, i locked myself in my bed room after cleaning it out of everything except the bed, some paper and pens and water, as theres not much in there anyway.

i slept in the mornings and woke at night to be kept away from people and anyother distractions, i was excited to indulge in this as ive watched too many movies in my life.

for what came to be three days i would sit and write and draw and compare geometric shapes and such, sometime inspired to do so, sometimes randomly, otherwise i would just lay motionless spread eagle in the dark.

well to say the least, it was like running through an ever widening corridor, the echoes of logic that bounced from the walls oscillating and reverberating grew further apart until there was only the sound itself, no feedback, no answer just the "questions" in flat monotone. i would try successively simpler more focused and more profound questions hoping it would eventually reach the walls of this "widening corridor". i figured that the walls had just moved out of sight but not disappeared, my questions "screamed" in my self, i tried to focus them like as much as i could, hopefull like a laser, then hoped and waited for the echo of the answer to finally make it back, but nothing.

it was like my mind was screaming into nothingness, not emptiness for the delineations of "myself" had grown insignificant to the point where it felt like i was a seamless endless blob, but some kind of solid blackness, there wwere no echoes, nothing to orient myself, then it was kind of like my eyes were buried in shifting sand but i wasnt suffocated, there was nothing to see but i knew i still had sight, then it hit me, my screaming questions were just my open eyes trying to see "something", anything, so i decide to just stop "screaming" already, stop trying to peer through what isnt even there, to just be, stop asking questions in a state where they dont "matter" anyway.

after "the moment", i tried to envision and understand the "corridor" i figured it must have been widening like the curving of a tuba horn whose ends eventually folded back over itself spiraling to a singular ring which was disappearing forver, instead of like the vectors of a triangle shooting off into space forever "widening" i had first thought it to be.

i was shot out into this nothingness as i realized that nothingness isnt non-existence, its a state where questions are unnecessary, where youre not alone although you may think so compared to that of your "material" existential experience where one can measure time and space, ask and respond. where it turns out that space and answers were just the inverse returning echoes of time and questions, they are the same thing, like a guitar string vibrating up and down, where what you see is the illusion created by the movement of the string as is what you hear. so when the string stops moving, you realize the "string" is actually one and silent.

i loved that state too much, i felt free for once in my life, but i was afraid that i was too willing to let myself "lose it" if i kept it up, my "ego" and "self image" made me snap out of it, this is the "risky" part to me. i didnt want people to find me lost in a daze forever and think i was "mentally ill".

after i normalized, took a nice shower called a friend and opened the tv i figured that it was a bit selfish if i let myslef crack and people would have to wipe my mouth and my bottom for me. i figured if this is going to be my destiny or not, then so be it, and there it was, the lesson; things are the way they are at present and they must be accepted as such, this does not preclude action to "better" or change it, actually it provides the best opportunity to do so, but first it must be accepted wholely as possible, however hard on the ego or whatever.

thats what i believe the "devil" is, it is that sensual existence always in need of satisfaction and orientation, answers and space, dependent of the illusions/echoes of reality. this is why i believe heaven and hell to be the same general aphysical "situation" where heaven is the contentment with the eternal reality of allness and the ensuing freedom you realize, hell is from the inability to accept it and the eternal frustration and loneliness you realize, there are no distractions in nothingness, just "you".

hence the various prayers as reminders that the lord is good, controls all, dont worry, dont doubt, submit to it fully, and react to THAT reality to do what you truly believe is right and eventually youll learn that peace process and you can adapt it to every situation you face in life and so on.

i know this sounds a bit nutty and probably is, but it is what i believe and accepting the "reality" gives me peace of mind, i can enjoy life without worrying so much about myself, i so do really wish everyone could enjoy it without having to take from one another or hurt one another, as mellodramatic as it is, thats heaven on earth.


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