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How About Some Physics Jokes?

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Posted by Harvey on August 28, 2001 03:11:15 UTC

Q: How many general relativists does it take to change a light bulb.

A: Two. One holds the bulb, while the other rotates the universe.

Q: Why won't Heisenbergs' operators live in the suburbs

A: They don't commute

Q: How does Einstein begin a story?

A: Once upon a space-time......

Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I am."

Bohr moved in atomic circles while Schrodinger waved and Heisenberg

What's the difference between an auto mechanic and a quantum mechanic?
The quantum mechanic can get the car inside the garage without opening the door.

Ivan Ivanovich, great Russian scientist does experiment. He wants know how fast a thermometer falls down. He takes thermometer and
a light, a candle light. He drops both from the 3rd floor and recognizes that they are reaching the ground at the same time. Ivan Ivanovich, great
Russian scientist writes in book: A theomometer falls with the speed of light.

A physics professor has been doing an experiment, and has worked out an empirical equation that seems to explain his data. He asks the math professor to look at it. A week later, the math professor says the equation is invalid. By then, the physics professor has used his equation to predict the results of further experiments, and he is getting excellent results, so he asks the math professor to look at it again.

Another week goes by, and they meet once more. The math professor tells the physics professor the equation does work, "But only in the trivial case where the numbers are real and positive."

A priest, a drunkard and a physicist were condemned to die by the guillotine. The priest is led up to the guillotine and is asked if he prefers to be facing up or down. He replies "I would like my last earthly sight to be of heaven". The executioner than fastens him in face up and releases the guillotine blade. It falls, but stops just within an inch of his throat. "A miracle!" the crowd of spectators shout in unison, and the priest is released unharmed.

Next, the drunkard is led up the steps and he is asked if he prefers to face up or down. "Upward", he replied, "so that I can drink, one last time, some good wine you pour down my throat!" After the drunkard is given a drink, the huge blade is released and plummets downward, but stops within an inch of his throat. "Mon dieu! A second miracle!" the crowd cheers, and he is released unharmed.

Finally, the physicist is led up to be executed. He also chooses to be shackled to the guillotine faceup. The crowd is placing bets left and right about whether a third miracle will take place. As he lies faceup, he ponders the death apparatus above him. Raising his hand, moments before the executioner releases the blade, the physicist declares, "Wait, wait! ... I see what your problem is!"

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